A Letter to the Evil One
December 11th, 2005 at 4:37 pm

Ganondorf Dragmire
247 Gates of the Void Parkway, Apartment 3D
Evil Realm, Hyrule(?) 12345

Dear Sir,

After studying the many legends of our past at length, I have determined that, despite the many times you have been “killed” by Link over the years, the chances that you are still living are quite high; your audacity to break seals created by the Sages, your resurrections from the dead, and your faithful followers willing to heed your beck and call from beyond the void have given me faith that, instead of being dead as everyone expects, I have a hunch that you are merely biding your time, ready and eager to come back to Hyrule when everyone least expects it. As such, I am taking the chance that you will get this letter, and I am sending it to your last known address, hoping that you have not moved since the last time you were banished from Hyrule.

I have come to the conclusion that your villainy skills, while admirable, are in serious need of education. In short, you stink at being a bad guy. Perhaps it is your record that gives it away, for if I am not correct, your bouts with Link—or at least the multiple variants and descendents thereof—have left you with six defeats and zero victories, which is a horrendous record no matter how you slice the dice. Granted, your colleagues who have also challenged Link are no better, but your failures have been some of the most prominent failures I have read about in history.

It is because of this that I wish to invite you to the University of Evil next semester in order to re-educate yourself in the ways of evil deeds and to regain your licensure as an evil villain in preperation for your next evil ploy, which I have heard rumoured to be codenamed Twilight Princess. As you know, the president of the Villains Union Local 42 here rescinded your license as a villain this past August, and I think that this invitation would be perfect for your needs in order to quickly ascertain the certification and testing to rejoin the VU, which otherwise will not let you overrun Hyrule if you are not a member.

In order to sway your opinion to join our prestigious university, we have provided a free assessment of your permanent record kept by the VU in order to evaluate the mistakes you made that led to your termination, and we hope that this constructive criticism by our faculty will provide you with the evidence you need to that the University of Evil is one of the best evil acadamies in the world.

We have found the following faults in many, if not all, of your plans:

• Too Much Faith in Minions: After analysing your record, we’ve determined that your minions, including your most loyal so-called “boss minions” are unable to stop potential heroes in their tracks. The enemies you send at Link have overt weaknesses that can be (and are) taken advantage of in combat. We suggest that principle that “a job worth doing well is a job worth doing yourself.” Instead of letting a hero build up weapons, life, and magic, go take him out at the beginning of the quest. If you don’t know who the hero is, as pertains to your rival Link, killing off the first-born child of everyone in Hyrule might not be an idea; plus, it might give you a boatload of evil points which can be used at the Evil Store to buy new abilities!
• Don’t Upset the Fairy Population: Let’s face it, your archnemesis has allies. That is undisputable and is bound to be insurmountable. However, what you can do is take away his most powerful allies. Records about Hyrule state that the fairies, especially the Great Fairies, give Link a great amount of help not only in combat but in realising his true potential. Being that you get the Triforce about once every major quest, you could always use your wish to generate a large amount of rupees with which to pay off their entire race and, quite possibly, work for you.
• Kill instead of Kidnap: While there is a lot of feng shui in kidnapping princesses and holding them hostage, practically it serves no purpose than to energise the hero into saving her sorry soul. Sure, it’s bait, but it gives heroes drive, and the last thing you want to fight is a determined foe. Instead, hit them where it hurts hardest: demoralisation. Just go ahead and kill the princess instead of taking her prisoner, or better yet turn her into a minion to work for you; either way, though it might cause the hero to wish to avenge her death, at the same time they’ll already have a piece of their insides dead, and that will only play into your hand.
• Do Not Let Heroes Run around Unabated: Many times, you’ve found this hero character and let him live only because you think he might serve some interesting purpose later in life. Resist the urge to let him go in order for them to lead you to something of interest. Once you’re the Evil Lord, you have all the time in the world to accomplish your necessary tasks, but heroes grow up into something more powerful, and that’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
• Failure to Control Artifacts of Power: This is perhaps the most grave of all mistakes you could possibly make. Whatever you think security is, it is clearly not collecting all the items that can be used to kill yourself and your minions and laying them out in the hero’s path, even if they are hard to get to. The worst possible location to hide these are in the dungeons where they are required to get through the dungeon or defeat your boss minion. If at all possible, these items should be personally destroyed to guarantee that they cannot be used against you; if this cannot be done, hoard them all in your personal treasure stash in the most protected part of your domain, especially the part which cannot be accessed until other conditions, especially the defeating of your boss minions (which said items are needed to defeat them), are met. Protect at all costs.

We hope you have appreciated this free service, and we look forward to hearing from you and providing you a chance to re-educate yourself in the latest theories in villainy. If you would like to register for classes, please call 1-877-GET-EVIL or send us an E-mail at admissions@uofevil.edu. Until then, enjoy your time in the Evil Realm, biding your time until the seal upon you wanes sufficiently so that it can be broken.

Sincerely,

David Hartman
Provost, University of Evil

Written by The Missing Link

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