LoZ: Ocarina of Hard Time
January 22nd, 2006 at 9:00 pm

Hyrule Castle, Hyrule (Hylian Press)—Last night, castle police arrested Link Harkanian, believed by members of the Cult of Sages to be the Hero of Time, at 03:27 on multiple counts of disturbing the peace, breaking and entering, grand larceny, vandalism, wearing a concealed weapon, and other charges. The charges have come after receiving numerous complaints from villagers in Kokiri Village about the lack of security and safety within the town.

“The town used to be such a safe place to live,” said Impa, the mayor of Kokiri Village. “It started to go downhill, but I just believed it to be a couple of teenaged punks. Imagine my surprise to see it was the guy all the tabloids have been calling the Hero of Time. And we thought Ganondorf was bad; he at least never attacked Kakariko.”

According to eyewitness reports, Link Harkanian allegedly broke into each unlocked house in Kakariko Village last night. Residents awoke in the morning to find that their life savings had been taken from them, most of which had been locked up within treasure chests or clay pottery or hidden in the grass outside their homes. Residents also found that any clay pottery they had in their home was completely destroyed and smashed into a thousand pieces, thus providing enough evidence to potentially link Link Harkanian to the Pottery Bandit. Forensic experts have indicated that most of the pottery was destroyed by way of a large slashing object, although a few inconsistencies were discovered as a few pots were shattered with arrows and a projectile-like puncturing device.

“I was woken up by this huge commotion in the middle of the night,” one resident told reporters, who chose to remain anonymous. “A man was standing over our broken pottery, picking up all the rupees we had hid in them. I woke up my boyfriend and said, ‘Talon, there’s someone else in the house!’ Naturally, he just fell back to sleep, and now we have nothing.”

“He jus’ started attacking my Cuccos while I was asleep! Kept whackin’ them wit’ somethin’!” said Miss Amanda Cucco, the town Cucco breeder. “It was pandelerium! I thought we’d be killed or even worse! I looked out the window and saw my Cuccos flyin’ over the roof at ‘im! All I could think was that Malon still had my casserole dish!”

The Hyrule Castle Police Department showed up on the scene just as a man that proved later to be Link Harkanian was fleeing from the scene of the crime on horseback. The HCPD then proceeded to have a high-speed chase throughout Hyrule Field and into the Kokiri Forest before finally forcing his horse to stop dead at its tracks at a badly angled fence, thus drawing an end to the chase. Link Harkanian, 17, was arrested on scene.

“Not only was he robbing Kakariko blind under the guise of night,” said HCPD chief Mike Rosoft, “but he then went on a dangerous chase through the countryside at an amazing speed of six carrots. The speed limit is clearly posted at three carrots all throughout that stretch of road. He was lucky that it was the dead of night and no one was travelling that road; he could’ve killed someone and been shared with horsicular homicide!”

Link Harkanian became the adopted son of King Harkanian when he was 12, the king himself believing the rumours passed around by the Cult of Sages that Link was the Hero of Time, the single boy who defeated Ganondorf, the leader of the Gerudos. The boy supposedly came from the Lost Woods where the Kokiri lives, where he grew up without parents, most likely the cause of his insatiable deliquence. The king has repeatedly denied rumours that Link had a bad streak within him despite the repeated failed attempts to press charges on him. King Harkanian could not be reached for comment.

The Princess of Hyrule did make a statement on his behalf at a public press conference. “We have not spoken to my dearest brother since the incident last night,” she told reporters earlier this morning. “However, we will let the due process of the law take place as it happens, and hopefully he will be found innocent of all charges. After all, Ganondorf could very well have broken the seal of the Sacred Realm and orchestrated the whole thing.” When asked if the terror alert would be raised, the princess remained firm that it would remain at orange.

Link will face a preliminary hearing next Friday at the Temple of Time. His lawyer, Princess Ruto of the Zoras, also a member of the Cult of Sages, will be representing him at the hearing. She has remained silent about the procedings in public, but trusted sources close to her said that she plans to claim that Link Harkanian is innocent on grounds of insanity, claiming that “if Link was crazy enough to get engaged to Ruto, there’s no telling what he would do.”

Written by The Missing Link

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