Whose Blog?: The What-If Machine
September 27th, 2006 at 1:22 am

It’s time for Whose Blog Is It Anyway?! The show where everything’s made up, and the points don’t matter! That’s right, the points are about as helpful as Ralph from Oracle of Ages! Hi, I’m your host, Drew Linky. C’mon let’s have some fun!

First things first–sorry for taking so long! The past week has been incredibly busy for me, and so… yes, I’ve been negligent in writing this thing. So sorry. But what’s this? Are you guys trying to break my blog, now? What is this 93 comments thing? Seriously now… is this revenge for me not doing this in a while? Ah well, whatever your reasons, I’m amazed by it, so thank you for your input on this.

Now I’ll admit that I had my idea for what this Whose Blog? was going to be about since around the 20^th comment. The idea was formulated but incomplete; it still needed a bit of work. But it was awesome; it was metafiction; it was humour; you would enjoy it! But then everyone started talking about two subjects that haven’t been mentioned on the ‘Blog before (and don’t get a lot of talk in the community at large): Vaati and Ikana Valley. You guys made me feel super-guilty after I had already picked my own topic. So I’m going to make a concession to you all, since I’m so nice and all. I’m going to do two Whose Blogs for you back to back! (Well, as back to back as I can make them; our first anual bloggiversary is quickly approaching! And that begs me to do something special! Or something…) So, I might as well get the first one done here. Without further adieu, I’m going to embark on my idea for the Whose Blog Is It Anyway?: The What-If Machine.

~~~

Hyrule was at peace. For many years, no threats had existed within Hyrule; Ganondorf had not been heard from, Vaati was nowhere to be seen, and the Wallet Monster had left, thus allowing the local economy to flourish in its absence. It was the best of times with the birds singing and the nature announcing its presence all around, everything being so wonderful and free…

It was also the worst of times, for everyone was so bloody bored. Everyone who had taken part in the battles for Hyrule’s salvation were stuck without anything to do. After so much excitement in their careers as direct participants against Ganon or just friends that had supported him through and through, peace just didn’t give them the same thrills as they used to experience. In fact, they were so bored that lounging together in the Chamber of the Sages, near-lifeless as each second that passed lingered in eternity, became the highlight of their life. Such was the case today.

“Alright, I got one,” Link said aloud in a monotonous voice. “I spy with my little eye something black.”

“Is it the infinite space above us?” Saria said idly, stifling a yawn as she finished.

“Shoot. You win again.” Link flopped over onto his stomach, his head collapsing into his outstretched arms. “Gee, it sure is boring around here. I just wonder what Ganon’s up to.”

“This sucks,” Malon said in forceful distaste. “This all sucks. At least when Ganon was around, stuff actually happened. Now all we have to do is play kiddie games on our GameCube.” A disheartened chorus of agreement met her accusation.

It was at that moment when things would suddenly change with the appearance of one man.

“Good news, everyone!” exclaimed Rauru in a raspy voice, but unexpectedly there was an excitement that no one had heard in years. “I have to show you my latest invention!”

“What is it?” asked Zelda as she pushed herself up from the floor to sit.

“I call it the Door!” At that moment, Rauru stepped next to a wooden door and opened it, revealing what appeared to be the Temple of Time on the other side. “You see? No longer will we all have to keep teleporting here because now…. now you can just walk through this wooden frame and… poof! You’re here! Isn’t that just brilliant?”

For a moment, there was a great look of disbelief as the lot of them simply stared at the Sage Rauru. Ruto’s mouth hung open, a trickle of drool spilling over it before she regained her self-control. “That has got to be the most idiotic thing I have ever—wait, what’s that thingy that’s attached to the Triforce?”

“What?” said Rauru as he peered through the door into the Temple of Time. Sure enough, there was the Triforce sitting in regal splendor… or at least mostly regal splendor, for there was a 17-inch LCD monitor with a microphone mounted upon the Triforce of Courage with a power cable running into the Triforce of Power and a DVI connector running into the Triforce of Wisdom. “Oh, that. That’s just the What-If Machine I managed to rig up yesterday. It can show you visions of possible alternate pasts and futures.”

“Oh! I want to try!” Tingle cried as he jumped up for joy. “Get out of the way, moron!” he said as he trampled over Link to reach to the Triforce first. Grabbing the microphone, he quickly said, “As a 35-year-old fairy, I’m never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So I’ve always secretly wondered: What if I was a real fairy?”

“You’ve never secretly wondered that,” said Zelda with a sigh. “But let’s watch, for humour’s sake.”

~~~

“Link! Link! Wake up!” came a squeaky voice from outside Link’s treehouse.

“Go away, Navi,” grumbled Link as he woke from a deep slumber, “I don’t want to get up just yet.”

“Oh, it’s not Navi, Mr. Fairy!” cried a jovial green fairy as it fluttered into the room. “I… killed her…”

Link shot up from the bed in a sitting position as if he had just woken from a horrible nightmare–or a wonderful dream, he couldn’t tell. “Say what?”

“I replaced her!” said the fairy quickly, still in his happy tone. “The Great Deku Tree sent me to be your new fairy, Mr. Fairy! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Link stared blankly at the green glowing ball of light for a moment before lapsing into a leisurely stretch and a big yawn. “Sure, whatever. What’s your name then?”

“My name’s Tingle! How about you?”

“Huh… Tingle, just like how fairies sound. My name’s Link. Nice to meet you.”

“The same! So what do you say we go adventuring today, Mr. Fairy!?”

“Please, call me Link. And sure. Let me just get my sword and stuff, and then I’ll be ready to go.”

It only took Link a few moments to gather his gear and full become awake–with most of the time spent on the latter of the two, and before they knew it, they were out in the Lost Woods, looking for Wolfos and Stalfos that might have wandered into the pristine nature preserve of the Lost Woods.

“Oh boy, Mr. Fairy! I’m so excited!” Tingle blubbered with substantial exuberance.

“It’s Link,” Link hissed at the fairy. It had been the two hundred twelfth time that he’d corrected his new fairy about the name so far, and Link was getting afraid that the count would quickly grow into numbers that he had not yet learned. “And be quiet,” he said softly; “you don’t want to scare them off.”

“Quite so, Mr. Fairy!” Tingle resumed with the same bright and sunny tone, as if an entire rainbow permeated his words. Link only muttered his own name under his breath in frustration.

The two wandered a bit further in, their conversation strained from Link’s point of view and quite splendid from Tingle’s (with a Mr. Fairy this and a Mr. Fairy that). In due time, Link and Tingle eventually came upon a white Wolfos sniffing about the woods, looking for a mid-day meal.

“There’s one,” Link said quietly. “It’s a good thing he’s so far away from Kokiri Village or else he might have gotten one of them for lunch.”

“Mr. Fairy, don’t even say something like that!” Tingle screamed. “I wouldn’t want Mido to die! He’s such a hunk!”

In an instant, Link’s eyes opened wide; the reason was only partially due to the nature of the fairy’s outburst, but it was more significantly affected by, not just one, but SEVERAL Wolfos in the immediate area. Wolf calls echoed into the sky, all of them charging Link’s general direction at once. “Why me…?”

The camera pans away for a moment as the sound of hisses and stabbing takes place below. Pieces of clothing and random bits of fur are tossed up into the air into view, and a fog of dirt from the scuffle below can easily be seen.

It is moments later when the camera turns back. The Wolfos are all dead, but not before attacking Link’s weak point for massive damage. He is scratched up rather significantly, his tunic tattered, and small trickles of blood oozing from deep cuts. “Good show, Mr. Fairy!” cried out Tingle in exuberance. “You did it! You beat them all up!”

Link’s eyes, glazed over moments before he spoke, grew red with evil. “It’s… Link…”

Within moments, a bottle is cast aside from Link’s inventory, and as the camera looks in closer, we can see Tingle trapped within. “But Mr. Fairy! I’ve been nothing but good to you! I’ve helped you! I’ve been a good fairy! Honest! C’mon, Mr. Fairy! Let’s quest together! You and I are a pair! The One True Pair!” But Link will have none of it. Without any words, he walks off. “Fine! Be that way! See if I wanted you! Just you wait… I will have… my revenge! Mwahahahahaha!”

~~~

Rauru frowned at the screen as the vision disappeared. “Well… that was… disturbing. Alright, who’s next?”

“It’s my turn!” Ruto proudly declared, stepping forward. “I want to know what would happen if Link and I were to get m—”

“Boring!” Tingle cried out.

“I agree,” said the Sage. “Let’s choose someone else. How about you, Malon?”

“Oh, me? Alright.” Stepping forward to the microphone, Malon’s face suddenly twisted into a devilish grin, her lips letting out a brief giggle. “I’ve got a good one, I think,” she said. “We all know that Zelda has always been such a tomboy—”

“I am not! Take that back, or I’ll punch you in the face!”

“—and that Link loves to dress up in womens’ clothing—”

“I will have you know that tunics are quite manly, girl!”

“—So I can’t help but wonder: What would have happened if Link had been born a girl… and Zelda a boy?”

With that, the Sage Rauru pulled a lever in the back of the Triforce, and once again the monitor came to life…

~~~

Linkerella woke up on a bright and sunny day promptly at dawn. It had been habit for her since as far back as she could remember. Life was bright and cheerful for her, even though she was the only girl in the Kokiri Forest without a fairy. In a way it actually made her charming; she was always free to play with the boys without having to hear the nagging of a fairy overhead, telling her that she should be doing other things. Indeed, life was quite good for her.

Until the morning when a fairy came along. She had already been up for two hours when a fairy, huffing and puffing her way over to the Kokiri, showed up. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! *pant* I thought you’d be in your treehouse or somewhere in the village, but no! I had to scour the entire forest to find you!”

“I’m very sorry. What brings you, kind fairy?”

“I’m told to tell you that the Great Deku Tree needs you! It’s of utmost importance! Come, follow me!”

And so they were immediately off, Linkerella skipping along back towards Kokiri Village and eventually to the entrance of the Great Deku Tree’s grove… where Mido stood, standing vigilant guard. “Hey!” said Mido. “Looks like you finally got a fairy! That’s awesome! So tell me… you come over here just to say hello to li’l ol’ me, eh?”

Linkerella shook her head daintily. “Sorry, no. I’ve been asked to go see the Deku Tree about something very important.”

“Oh sure, go on—wait, what!? You!? A girl!? Summoned by the Deku Tree!? When he’s like that!? I don’t believe you whatsoever. Sorry, but you cannot go in, no matter what. Not even a sword or shield will get you in. It’s for your own protection, because Papa Smurf the Deku Tree told me to not let anyone in whatsoever and I’m gonna—”

Mido didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence because, just a moment later, Linkerella’s backhand of justice flew across Mido’s cheek, knocking him to the forest floor completely unaware of what had happened. “Thanks, but I’ll be the judge of that,” she replied and continued on in to the forest.

And there before her was the Great Tree, a frown across his wooden face. “Linkerella, for many years I have protected you here, but now I must tell you the truth about your childhood. You are no Kokiri! You came from outside this village… and I knew that you had been marked by the goddesses as a special child. But the time has come for you to leave the forest. I must ask that you go see Prince Zelus and give him this sacred emerald, the Spiritual Stone of the For—”

“What!? No dungeon?”

“I dare not risk your life within my bough, Linkerella. Please, seek Prince Zelus, and give him this stone.”

“This sucks…”

So Linkerella did as she was told and left the forest, travelling all the way to Hyrule Castle, sneaking past the guards, and into the inners of the castle whereupon she cast her eyes upon Prince Zelus, heir to the throne of Hyrule, for the first time. As she approached, Zelus heard something behind him, and he turned around suddenly… revealing a boy with glasses over his eyes.

“Er…. you’re not supposed to be in here. I suggest that you leave before I order my guards on you. I presume you don’t want that.”

“Wait, wait, listen to me. I was sent by our Guardian Spirit, the Great Deku Tree, to give you this.” In a flash, the Kokiri Emerald rested in the palms of Linkerella’s hands, showing it to the prince.

“Well would you look at that… an emerald. I had a dream about this, but dreams are absolutely silly, don’t you think? I need to make sure this is what I think it is. To the laboratory! I need a microscope!” Taking it from Linkerella’s hands, Zelus started for the laboratory.

“Er wait! The Deku Tree, he said something about getting two more stones like this? Should… should I go and get them or something?”

“Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head,” Zelus replied coolly. “I wouldn’t want to endanger you or something; I think I could handle it myself if need be. But if you want, just stick around for a bit while I go and check this baby out! Ta ta for now!”

Linkerella started to protest, but Zelus was already gone. So Linkerella found a bench in the small courtyard and waited… and waited… and waited… and then she waited some more… and just about the time when she was going to fall asleep, a bird chirped, causing her to wake up again so she had to wait some more.

By that time it was nearly dusk, and then Linkerella heard a movement within the bushes a few yards away, and out came Ganondorf, the King of Evil.

“Oh!” he said rather nervously. “I thought I was alone out here.”

“Nope,” said Linkerella in a rather bored tone without looking at the stranger.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you be then,” said the King of Evil.

“Alrigh—hey!” Linkerella suddenly took a look at Ganondorf, and a sudden connection was made. “Your the evil guy that’s been in my dreams lately! Die, now!” And thus, the backhand of justice was delivered again, knocking Ganondorf unconscious in one blow…

…causing the “Congratulations! The End.” screen to appear on the television, proceeded by the six-hour long credit sequence as Linkerella waits patiently for Zelus to return to trigger the final cutscene.

~~~

“Alright,” Rauru said once the monitor went blank, “I think we have time for one more. Link, I think you deserve to ask after that last one.”

“Hmmm… This is a big decision,” he said, pausing for a moment in thought. “Oh, I’ve got one. I like a challenge, and I’ve always wanted to fight some guy named Luke Skywalker that I’ve never heard of in my life.”

The Sage crossed his arms as he thought for a moment. “Could you put that in the form of a question?”

Link put his finger to his mouth in thought. “Uh, what if… that thing I said?” In a moment, the screen came to life once more…

~~~

Link slowly crept through the temple, his face near pale as he inched forward little by little. There was an ominous presence within this temple; it was quiet… too quiet… and there was the sick sense that he was not alone, that there were eyes within the walls, watching… waiting… waiting… He peeked timidly around the next corner, exposing a single eye, a lock of blond hair, and a signature green cap. “I… don’t like… this place…” he whispered to himself. Feeling a gentle caress of courage from his piece of the Triforce, he stepped out into the room before him, wandering into the open… into the darkness.

Suddenly, a broad beam of light spread into the room, revealing a man who by no means was cartoony or cel-shaded or even constructed of polygons. He was pure, standing with his back to the foreigner within this place, the Jedi Temple. “I do not wish to fight you,” the man said.

“…” said Link as he cast his eyes upon the man dressed in white.

“Hmmm, I see that the Force and the ‘Force wills this meeting, however. Then we must face our destiny,” the man said. “My name is Luke Skywalker, and I accept your challenge.” He turned around, facing Link, revealing his face for the first time.

“…” said Link as he pulled forth the Master Sword, daring his opponent to make a move.

It was met with a beam of light eminating from the sabre he held, glowing green upon the floor.

Link frowned, muttering, “…” He held his sword up to the ceiling of the room and screamed as power began to course through his body. The Master Sword lit up in a shade of blue, brightly illuminating the room. “…” he countered.

“Then let us begin.”

Luke and Link ran towards each other with immense agility and speed, and as they met, they swung their blades at one another, ready to duel!… But in a single stroke, the Master Sword was cut in two by Luke’s lightsabre, the tip clattering against the ground noisily.

“For the love of Nayru!” cursed Link. “How can I fight a guy whose weapon cuts through anything except a weapon that isn’t in my fandom!?”

Just as Luke was about to answer, another light appeared within the room, this time revealing a fairy… but one that had grown much larger than even the Greatest of all the Fairies. It glowed a bright green, so brightly that both Luke and Link had to shield their eyes. It… was Tingle. “Link…” he said in a dark, gravelly tone, “I am your father.”

“No, no! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”

“Search the Internet. You know it to be true.”

“Noooo… NOOOOOOO—wait a minute.” Link quickly looks over to Luke’s lightsabre, still glowing green. “Hey, pal… y’mind helping me out here?”

“Believe me, I know what it’s like to have strange psychopath fathers. Don’t mind if I do.”

Moments later, Luke and Link wandered off towards the sunset, quite relieved that a great… well, something… had been removed from the face of the planet. Tune in next time for more… Taaaaales oooooof Inteeeerreeeeeeest!

Written by The Missing Link

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