Zelda’s Axiom
March 18th, 2006 at 9:07 pm

So my recent metafictions haven’t been funny. Hopefully you’ll like this one better.

RPGs (which this time will include Zelda) have been notorious for being shadows of the same story. It’s a popular theory itself for each of the Zelda games to be just rehashes of the same story over and over again. So naturally, certain elements of RPGs tend to become rather clichéd in nature. I mean, take a look around. Whether it’s Final Fantasy or Tales of Symphonia, Chrono Trigger or Secret of Mana, Grandia or The Legend of Zelda, *ahem* “the goal of every game… is to Save the World from an evil figure who’s trying to take it over or destroy it[, and] there is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist’s goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to accomplish it” (Rule #39, “What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld?”).

One of my favourites (sad, but true) is the cliché that takes its name from one of our beloved Zelda characters. As such, I bring you another humorous metafiction, this time concerning the famed Rule #40, ZELDA’S AXIOM.

Metafiction (noun) - fictional writing which self-consciously and systematically draws attention to its status as an artifact in order to pose questions about the relationship between fiction and reality.

~~~

Finally creeping past the last of the guards, I wandered into the courtyard of Hyrule Castle. It looked to be a sanctuary from all the troubles of the world, the spring flowers having already grown to a state of remarkable beauty. The afternoon sun cast its light upon the closer half of the courtyard, outlining the shape of the towers clearly upon the ground. The day would have been perfect… yet there was something eating away at the back of my mind, the knowledge of a terrible fate still yet to take place within Hyrule. I knew things were amiss… and even worse that I was inexplicably tied to the events that were to occur once again. It was what brought me here to this place, this courtyard; I had to seek wisdom from the only one I knew I could trust.

“Link!” a voice cried out. My gaze shifted to the side to see the Princess Zelda running my direction, her arms spread out, her smile broad. As she finally reached me, she threw her arms around me, embracing me closely, half out of sheer surprise and happiness to see her friend, half… for a reason that was momentarily unfathomable, a reason that would almost certainly become clear within moments.

“Zelda!” I said with relief . I hugged her for a moment before letting her go. “You don’t know how good it is to see you.”

“I beg to differ,” she said. Her voice was still light and airy, yet her face began to grow much more serious. “It’s a relief to see you, actually. There’s been a lot going on here, and I’ve been having… Have you felt what I’ve been feeling, Link?”

It was always difficult to answer the question that Zelda would so often ask me. Zelda’s thoughts were always somewhere always deeper than what I could possibly fathom. Whenever we were in synch with one another, I was usually only able to barely scrape the surface of what Zelda’s thoughts really were, yet she never seemed to care about the depth of my understanding, just the direction in which my thoughts were travelling. Zelda was always insatiably curious tothose ends.

“Well, yes… or at least, I think so. I’ve been having a vague feeling that something is to happen.. something—”

“Something bad, yes?” Zelda interrupted. I could only nod. “I’ve been having the same. I think it’s Ganondorf; I can feel his presence trying to break the seal. He’s trying to break back into Hyrule.”

“Oh great…”

“It’s not to worry though,” Zelda reassured me. “I think it’s possible to foil his plot. I have a plan, but I need your help in doing it, Link. You see, scattered throughout Hyrule, there are these eight—”

“Stop right there,” I said, putting my hand over Zelda’s mouth.

Zelda, clearly not amused by the interruption, tossed my hand aside. “What in the goddesses’ name are you doing?”

“Don’t say it, Zelda.”

“Say what?”

Pause. “Say whatever you were about to say. It’s completely unnecessary, I assure you. There’s got to be a better plan! Ganondorf’s weak right now, after all. I can beat him!”

“Whatever do you mean? I’ve given this a lot of thought! I don’t see any other plan but to get the eight—”

“I told you, don’t do that!”

“Do what?!”

“You know!”

“You’re so odd today, Link! What’s wrong with getting the eight…”

“Noooo!! I’m not listening!!”

“…Amulets of…”

“Stoooop!!”

“…Virtue so we can stop Ganondorf from…”

“Why, for the goddesses’ sake, why?! Do you know what you’ve just done, Zelda!?”

Zelda just looked me oddly. “Just what have I done that’s so horrible!?” Her voice was indicating the beginning of a slight temper.

“You just told me about the eight Amulets of Virtue! You mentioned some number of sacred artifacts! Don’t you know what that means?” She shook her head, oblivious. “That means that, now that you’ve uttered the fact that these things exist, the only way this godforsaken game will let me beat it will be for me to go out and collect all these accursed things! Before you did that, before you spoke of it, I probably just could’ve gone and stabbed him with my sword, completely killed him off, and then the world would be happy once again! You just sent me on a stupid collection quest full of dungeons, monsters, near-death experiences, skeletons, bosses, swinging blades, fireballs, gophers, rejected Disney characters, and pain! It’s like it was every other time. The fates are now against me! You could have been silent! Why, oh why!?”

Zelda was stunned for a brief moment at my outburst. I didn’t dare look at her face for I was too focused now on the horrible fate that she had just cast upon me. Silence filled the air for perhaps half a minute before she finally spoke again, yet she spoke as if what I had said had been only a monologue, ignoring it completely as if I had never spoken a single word. “The first one is in the south, deep in the desert. Do take care of yourself, Link; I fear for your safety.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m on it. Thanks for nothing.”

Written by The Missing Link

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